Leadership and Self-Deception

The book Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute was a wake-up call for me. The deception is this: because my self-talk is I care my actions show I care.

Not so fast.

When giving presentations I challenge leaders to give me an example of how they showed someone they cared about them…and no, a paycheck doesn’t count. Usually a great deal of silence follows as they explore their memories for such an example. Some will talk about how they showed up for employees facing medical or family situations. For the rest, like it was for me, it is a wake-up call. We get our deception.

Unfortunately, when we run 75 miles an hour, it’s hard to show people we care for them because heck, we don’t even show ourselves we care for ourselves. We become numb and we engage in ongoing criticism as supposed to anything positive.

Check your head: when is the last time you showed somebody at work you care about them?

Go into your day intending to show people you care about them. How can you do that? Some ideas:

  1. Check in with any family concerns.
  2. Check in with how they are doing at work.
  3. Tell them something you admire about them.
  4. Listen to them with full presence.
  5. Go to lunch or take a walk with them.
  6. Write a personal note.

How will you show somebody you care about them today? Please share your ideas in the comments below.

What Will You Do to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone?

“Only the mediocre are ever truly comfortable.” Paulo Coelho
“If it’s not hard, it’s soft.” – Ice Cube.It is soooo easy to get comfortable. On the couch…and with your job, your company, your marriage, your health, etc.

We all seek comfort and security. It feels so safe. Like being cradled.

But… it is a trap! It’s how you grow old and irrelevant…at any age. It will deaden your motivation, engagement and drive. It will eliminate the dreams of your youth. You will become a zombie…in your comfortableness. Breathing all right; but not alive.

When we are too comfortable for too long we are guaranteed to get run over by people or companies not interested in being comfortable!

Yes… I hear you say…but I put so much effort to get this point why would I put that at risk?

My answer is so you live a full life. To the end. So you have no regrets or remorse about playing all in.  So you set an example.

We all have our comfort zones. My question is what will you dare to do to get out of your comfort zone??

  • Will you dare to have a great career?
  • Will you dare to try a new project?
  • Will you dare to have a great marriage?
  • Will you dare to do a great job of saving and investing money?
  • Will you dare to do a great job of managing your health?

A great filtering question to ask: Is this thought or action based out of a desire to avoid pain and discomfort?  Or, is it based out of a desire for continuous growth?

While jumping out of planes is one way to do things, you don’t have to leap out of the comfort zone. Just take one step at a time. That builds muscle and confidence.

And don’t worry. You don’t have to go off into orbit. You’ll know if you’ve gone too far. But you will never know where that boundary is until you meet it!

Here’s 10 ideas for your daring to step out of your comfort zone:

  1. Go to lunch with somebody very different from you.
  2. Say “no” to doing something. Eliminate, automate or delegate it.
  3. Wear something funky, fun, bright, unique. Give them something to talk about.
  4. Go to the library for three hours of uninterrupted time, where there are no distractions and flush that idea out.
  5. Find a group that likes to do fun an different things.
  6. Stop saying you are busy. Doing what? Filling up space?
  7. Show one person per day you care about them for 30 straight days.
  8. Send 5 handwritten notes.
  9. Read or watch something different. Remember, profound thoughts, those aha’s, come from outside your comfort zone.
  10. Make your own list of 10 things you will do over the next 10 days to get out of your comfort zone.

Please let me know what you’ve dared do to push your boundaries!

 

PS if you are in SoCal get thee or thy HR person to my Great HR workshop in June. More info here. That will get you outside your comfort zone!

Are You a “Negative Hero”

I know sometimes I am. I know there are times when my intentions are good…but my outcomes are not. That’s what a “negative hero” is.

Think about your parents for a minute. When you were a kid their intentions were good (they did love you after all) but many times they were too critical, judgmental and punishing. It seemed all they could focus on is where we didn’t do something 100% right…according to their rules.

As we got older and more independent the result wasn’t submission anymore… but a fight or flight response.

And they lost part of us in the process.

I decided I didn’t want to to lose my kids…or my best employees and clients either.

When I do workshops I talk about the 80% leader, with their strong emotional energy. Control, in the name of good, is their game.

I just heard a great quote that applies to being an 80%’r. “You can’t arrest your way out of a problem.” By William Joseph “Bill” Bratton, 38th Police Commissioner, NYC.

Why do we as leaders and bosses and parents think we must will our way through a problem? Don’t we make our ongoing micro-arrests when we so? How’s that feel to other people. You may be 100% right…and it still feels wrong.

When we play with an 80% energy we become villainized. People feel our energy. They don’t feel our intent. Like the antelope tracked by the cheetah, it feels the vibe and …poof!

Unless you want to end up alone, or surrounded by submissives, the 80% approach is not the answer.

The answer is managing your emotional energy. Much of our 80% comes from the fear of what may happen. That fear overwhelms us in the present moment causing our energy to well up so we can control the situation and protect ourselves.

Here’s the answer: Stay present. Feel what is going on, right now. Is your emotional energy “up” because you are fearful? Are you in survival mode? How is that helping right now?

When we are present with a situation our emotional energy is balanced. Both of us take up enough space to leave room for the co-creation and dance. I call that playing 40/40.

When we are 40%’rs we allow other people to become their own heroes. Our kids, employees and customers/clients.

Real heroes inspire others to become their own heroes. You can only do that when your emotional energy is present and not hijacked by fear.

By the way, I find this is an ongoing process. We must fight our natural instincts to be fearful of the future…every day…day after day.

 

PS Lesson 9 in the Great HR Program is all about managing our emotional energy. That lesson alone is worth the price of admission to the entire program. www.greathr.com

Managing the Emotions of Change

Months ago I had the opportunity to present at DisruptHR on managing the emotions of change. You get 20 slides and 5 minutes to do it! Remember the magic words- coax, encourage and inspire!

List of Things That I am Grateful For

Sometimes life hands us challenges, and we can become focused on the negatives. One of my practices to counteract that pressure is to constantly remind myself of how lucky I am… and the things I am grateful for.

I put these 25 things I am grateful for on colorful index cards and run through them on a daily basis. What would you put on your cards? What if this was a practice of your work team and family too? Expressing what we are grateful for might be a good way to start a meeting or family dinner.

  1. I am grateful for this day!
  2. I am grateful for doing my work.
  3. I am grateful for the great outdoors, hiking, and camping.
  4. I am grateful for sandy beaches and waves.
  5. I am grateful for the perfect margarita and a frosty cold beer.
  6. I am grateful for smart, caring, people who want to do well.
  7. I am grateful for big smiles, laughs, high fives and hugs.
  8. I am grateful for the 5,000 generations before me.
  9. I am grateful for Jesus, Buddha, Solomon, Tolle, Ram Dass, Gurdjieff, Loy and my other spiritual teachers.
  10. I am grateful for baseball, football, basketball, volleyball, surfing, the Olympics and kids’ sports.
  11. I am grateful for a sound mind and a sound body.
  12. I am grateful for my love from my friends and family.
  13. I am grateful for my clients.
  14. I am grateful for planes, cars, boats and bikes.
  15. I am grateful for being able to have great clothing for work and play.
  16. I am for great music, art and poetry.
  17. I am grateful for great stories, movies, plays and books.
  18. I am grateful for my freedom.
  19. I am grateful for living in Coronado, CA, USA, this planet.
  20. I am grateful for the sun, the moon and stars.
  21. I am grateful for the military and police that help protect me.
  22. I am grateful for living in a democracy.
  23. I am grateful for all my school teachers.
  24. I am grateful for the Yankees.
  25. I am grateful just to be here!