I know sometimes I am. I know there are times when my intentions are good…but my outcomes are not. That’s what a “negative hero” is.
Think about your parents for a minute. When you were a kid their intentions were good (they did love you after all) but many times they were too critical, judgmental and punishing. It seemed all they could focus on is where we didn’t do something 100% right…according to their rules.
As we got older and more independent the result wasn’t submission anymore… but a fight or flight response.
And they lost part of us in the process.
I decided I didn’t want to to lose my kids…or my best employees and clients either.
When I do workshops I talk about the 80% leader, with their strong emotional energy. Control, in the name of good, is their game.
I just heard a great quote that applies to being an 80%’r. “You can’t arrest your way out of a problem.” By William Joseph “Bill” Bratton, 38th Police Commissioner, NYC.
Why do we as leaders and bosses and parents think we must will our way through a problem? Don’t we make our ongoing micro-arrests when we so? How’s that feel to other people. You may be 100% right…and it still feels wrong.
When we play with an 80% energy we become villainized. People feel our energy. They don’t feel our intent. Like the antelope tracked by the cheetah, it feels the vibe and …poof!
Unless you want to end up alone, or surrounded by submissives, the 80% approach is not the answer.
The answer is managing your emotional energy. Much of our 80% comes from the fear of what may happen. That fear overwhelms us in the present moment causing our energy to well up so we can control the situation and protect ourselves.
Here’s the answer: Stay present. Feel what is going on, right now. Is your emotional energy “up” because you are fearful? Are you in survival mode? How is that helping right now?
When we are present with a situation our emotional energy is balanced. Both of us take up enough space to leave room for the co-creation and dance. I call that playing 40/40.
When we are 40%’rs we allow other people to become their own heroes. Our kids, employees and customers/clients.
Real heroes inspire others to become their own heroes. You can only do that when your emotional energy is present and not hijacked by fear.
By the way, I find this is an ongoing process. We must fight our natural instincts to be fearful of the future…every day…day after day.