Free Materials

 

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

 

FROM: MANAGEMENT

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:

Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill

SICK DAYS:

If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.

There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the

"Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.

You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

LORD & MASTER

 

THE CORPORATE SCRIPTURES

In the beginning...

 

SAFETY SLIDE SHOW

Please click here to view a slideshow regarding safety in the workplace. Note: you must have MS PowerPoint to view this show. Also, use your right and left arrow keys to scroll through the screens.

 

Best Defense
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

"Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
"A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

"Q. Officer, who provided this description?
"A. The officer who responded to the scene.

"Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
"A. Yes sir, with my life.

"Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer do you have a locker room in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
"A. Yes sir, we do.

"Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
"A. Yes sir, I do.

"Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
"A. Yes sir.

"Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
"A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line, and we think he'll win.

 

Corporate Lingo
(PDF), (WORD), (RTF)

 

Darwin Awards Darwin Awards celebrate the theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of those who improved our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.

 

WAZZUUPP? adcritic.com is one of the funniest and most entertaining web sites you'll ever find.

 

"Whack and Smack" Stress Relief
"Beat the Boss" - courtesy of myangel.com Frustrated with your Boss? Now is your chance to vent all your anger on him/her ! Try our new game and send it to your friends.
"Whip The Worker" - courtesy of myangel.com Is there someone at work that you would just love to beat senseless? Here's a totally legal way of doing it! Enjoy this bit of stress relief.

 

The Cheese Shop Sketch from "The Instant Monty Python Record Collection" http://www.neiu.edu/~jphennin/cheeseshop.html

 

"This is one of my favorite collections of lawyer jokes" http://www.rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml

 

SALARY SURVEY

Please take this quick Salary Survey to see if you are satisfied with your current salary. You must have an "unzip" application to view this file. If you don't have an unzip program, download WinZip now. This is an Evaluation Version and available for free use for a limited time.

 

DE-MOTIVATIONAL SLIDE SHOW

Please click here for an antidote to the traditional motivational screen savers available. Note: you must have MS PowerPoint to view this show. Also, use your right and left arrow keys to scroll through the screens.

 

EMPLOYEE REVIEW - COMMENTS

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL UNITED WAY

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" he asked.

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"  Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled "Um ... No."

The lawyer continued "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.  "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea . . .," but on a roll now, the lawyer cut him off once again, " . . . and I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

 

THE LAWYER EGO

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God knows he's not a lawyer.

 

IT'S IRRELEVANT!

This is a short excerpt from a deposition I took one time which began taking on the feeling of a Marx Brothers movie. (Of course the names have been changed to protect the participants from embarrassment.)

Mr. Phin: Do you know what regulatory agencies govern the operation of the Power Plant?

Mr. Smith: Objection, calls for legal conclusions.

Mr. Phin: I’m asking for his knowledge. I’m not asking for a legal conclusion. I’m asking for Mr. Jones’ knowledge.

Mr. Smith: Why don’t you phrase the question that way. In your opinion, Mr. Jones, which regulatory agencies have jurisdiction over the Power Plant?

Mr. Phin: Then you’ll tell me I’m asking for an opinion and conclusion.

Mr. Smith: I’ll state the objection for the record and let him answer the question.

Mr. Phin: In your opinion, Mr. Jones, which regulatory agencies govern the operation of the Power Plant?

Mr. Smith: Objection, calls for a legal and factual conclusion, but go ahead and answer. For the record, it’s also irrelevant.

Mr. Phin: Yeah, and it’s big and gray and works in the circus.

Reporter: Could you repeat that please?

Mr. Smith: I want counsel's last remarks on the record.

Mr. Phin: It’s big and gray and works in the circus. It’s irrelevant.

(Courtesy of the Marx Brothers) Note: Relevance is not a proper objection in a deposition, it was late in the day, and all I could think of was Chico Marx.

 

THE MOB LAWYER?

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with The Godfather?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

 

P.S. If you've got a good, clean laugh, please contact us.